There was no hope in my life. I don't remember when I gave up thinking like that, but I don't feel it was a long time ago.
I was about to commit suicide. If I had killed myself then, I couldn't have seen the nice things in the world. "It's good to be alive! I was right to stop short of my foolish attempt." I really think so.
Catholicism disapproves of suicides, you know. But who would remember such teaching in their hardest times? In fact in my great suffering, the first thought that hit me was that I would be better off dead.